There’s nothing easy about the end of a romantic relationship, especially when cheating is involved. There’s grief over what you’ve lost, anger over what your partner did, a sense of helplessness over the whole situation, and confusion over what’s next.
You may even feel the need to get back at your ex for what they did, or at least take some measures to protect their future partners from the same hurt that you feel. One wronged man took to Reddit to find out if he took things too far after his ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend reached out for some inside info.
Is It OK to Tell You Ex’s New Partner They’re a Cheater?
That’s the question u/ObjectiveExpress4804 posed to the popular Am I the A**hole subreddit after revealing that when his ex’s new boyfriend contacted him to find out the details of their breakup, he told the unvarnished truth.
A few months after leaving his girlfriend over her infidelity and going no-contact, the original poster (OP) received this message out of the blue: “Hey man, hope this isn’t weird, but I know you used to date K, and I just wanted to ask if she was faithful to you? She says you were emotionally distant and kind of checked out.”
OP writes that with “no insults” and “no bitterness,” he responded simply “She cheated on me twice. You can believe what you want, but that’s what happened. Good luck.”
The next message he received was from the ex herself, saying it was an inappropriate thing for him to do, and that he was trying to ruin her life, which is ultimately what prompted the OP to turn to Reddit.
“Did I cross a line? I wasn’t trying to sabotage anything,” he writes. “He literally asked. I gave a calm, honest answer, but apparently I’m the villain in her healing journey now.”
What Do We Owe to an Ex?
The collective wisdom of the Internet can barely agree on anything, but the crowd mostly came down on the side of the OP here, agreeing that he did nothing wrong—especially since the new boyfriend asked him directly.
As one responder put it, “The truth is an absolute defense. You were asked a question, and you answered truthfully,” adding that she seems to be trying to claim victimhood for a wrong that she committed.
Another agreed, writing that “Cheaters don’t get to control the narrative when people talk about their behavior.”
There are times we may feel the desire to get back at an ex in some way if we feel we’ve been wronged. Love—and heartbreak—can make us think, say, and do things we normally wouldn’t.
Feelings—good or bad—for an ex can linger longer after the relationship has ended. So it’s understandable to wonder if getting involved at all is the right thing to do, especially if you’re trying to move on after infidelity.
“Separating yourself from the situation entirely after being cheated on is important for clarity and healing,” says therapist and relationship expert Ivy Kwong, LMFT. “If you stay in contact via texting, checking social media, talking or even meeting in person, you remain emotionally entangled. This can keep you stuck and unable to move forward if you remain hopeful, waiting, or gathering more data to continually analyze the situation.”
When—and When Not—to Butt In
The fact that the new boyfriend reached out, unsolicited, and asked a direct question makes this one a relatively open and shut case. As another responder put it, “In my life, I have always told people that I have trash on that, I will not go out of my way to spread it, but if I am asked a direct question concerning the situation, I will not lie.”
So, what if the details were a little different? What if the OP had been the one to track down the new boyfriend and volunteered the information proactively? Do we have any kind of duty to warn an ex’s future partner about bad behavior?
“You are not responsible for managing someone else’s relationship or protecting others from their choices,” Kwong says. “Your intention may be protective, but trying to intervene can backfire, be dismissed, or entangle you in drama you may wish to leave behind for your own freedom and peace of mind.
Kwong says that unless there are ethical implications, such as potential abuse or other risk of severe harm, your own healing should be your priority.
“Instead of putting energy into exposing someone, you can choose to detach from them and their life, invest in your own care, and live your life in a way that is true to who you are and honors your healing,” Kwong says.
So, ultimately, it’s best to focus on your own healing journey after a breakup, and wash your hands of anything involving your ex (even if it might feel like justice to call them out). That said, when someone asks you a direct question about your ex and it won’t disrupt your healing to get involved, you can certainly decide to answer truthfully.
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