How to Support Your Partner on Their Sobriety Journey

If you’ve helped a friend or a loved one deal with addiction, you’re not alone. Almost 49 million people in the United States ages 12 and older struggle with substance use disorder. For many adults, their partners walk the journey beside them. As you watch someone you love go through the physical, mental, and emotional toll of becoming sober, your approach to the process can be pivotal to their recovery success.

“A partner’s attitude and view of recovery can make a huge difference. I’ve had patients whose partners lift them up and patients whose partners tear them down. It absolutely impacts their long-term success,” explains Sylvie Stacy, MD, MPH, Medical Officer at Rehab.com.

For someone to contribute to their partner’s success, however, they need to understand what to expect on the road to recovery. It’s important to understand how to support your partner with what they’re going through, how to develop your own boundaries, and how to create a supportive environment for both of you.

Understanding the Sobriety Journey

When a person is addicted to drugs, it can impact their ability to make decisions, their memory, and their behavior. And all of those factors impact the unpredictable nature of the recovery process.

“Recovery is never linear—it’s often a journey of progress, setbacks, and growth. Addiction reprograms the brain, and recovery is a time-consuming process. Most individuals go through cycles of relapse before establishing long-term sobriety. Recovery is a continuous process that needs consistent effort, self-reflection, and support,” says Will Burse, Chief Executive Officer of True Self Recovery.

Knowing the road to recovery will be filled with ups and downs can help a partner have the right mindset to weather the rough patches. It can also help a partner not to view a relapse as a failure. Being mindful of the way the journey works can keep you from losing hope.

“Recovery affects both people in the relationship—not just the one with addiction. Partners might feel stressed or anxious. Sometimes even resentful, especially if trust has been an issue, or if they’ve taken on extra responsibilities as the result of their partner’s substance use,” Dr. Stacy adds.

Establishing Open Communication

Now that you understand the process and know what to expect, how do you establish open communication with your partner?

• Exercise patience. Both partners need to give each other the space to express themselves openly, without shame or guilt.
• Along those lines, don’t minimize either partner’s thoughts or feelings. Continue to encourage the recovering partner. Champion every victory, including small ones.
• Avoid throwing past mistakes and behaviors in your partner’s face. It can be hard, especially if those old behaviors resurface. But continue to encourage the change your partner needs.

Also be aware of things that you shouldn’t do.

“[You] don’t blame, you don’t shame, and you don’t make any assumptions. That’s why it’s important to have clear communication, very direct questions, try to not interrupt, schedule the time to talk face-to-face when there are issues,” states Mandy Neeble Diamond, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Forensic Psychologist at The Neeble Diamond Group.

Creating a Supportive Environment

Having a safe space that supports your recovering partner involves more than just uplifting words.

“Being supportive means encouraging recovery and holding your partner accountable. Enabling means shielding them from consequences or making excuses for their behavior. Support comes in the form of listening and setting boundaries,” explains Dr. Stacy.

Other ways you can create a supportive environment include having a structured routine that keeps you and your partner on a schedule, helping your partner avoid triggers that led to the substance-abuse behavior, and filling voids with healthy behaviors and healthy habits.

Engaging in Sober Activities

Another way to create an environment that supports a recovering partner is to take part in activities that will occupy and engage them, and that are fun to do together. Some sober activities you can do with your partner include:

• Exercising. It “releases endorphins, lessens stress, and is a healthy outlet,” Burse notes.
• Enjoy creative hobbies, like painting, writing, or music. These activities can offer an emotional outlet.
• Attend a support group. Finding others who are on their recovery journey can be empowering
  and encouraging to your partner.
• Give back. “Volunteering … gives a sense of direction and reinforces positive self-esteem,” says Burse.

Recognizing and Managing Triggers

Triggers can be a potential downfall to anyone trying to overcome a coping behavior. It helps if you are aware of these triggers and know how to help your partner deal with them.

“Triggers are common for stress, certain social situations, being alone, or certain individuals/places. The partner can assist by early identification of triggers, distraction of attention, and constructive coping skills. A crisis plan for high-risk situations is also helpful,” says Burse.

Setting Healthy Boundaries and Taking Care of Yourself

The focus of your relationship is likely to center around your partner on their sobriety journey. But it’s important that you not lose yourself in the process. Putting boundaries in place can help guide you.

“I had a memorable patient whose wife came to my office with him on his first visit for problematic alcohol use. I remember her saying, ‘I love you, but I can’t go through this cycle anymore.’ I think this was the first time he really thought about his alcohol abuse—and the problems it caused in their lives—being a cycle,” describes Dr. Stacy.

Consider what type of behaviors are beyond your boundaries for you. You agree to be there during the recovery process, but lying to and stealing from you may be deal breakers. Another boundary may be giving yourself time and space to not be in a caregiver position. You want to be able to spend time with friends and talk about your feelings during your partner’s recovery process.

Dealing With Relapses

Recovery rarely occurs as a straight line. That means even though your partner is working diligently, they can still relapse. You can continue to support their recovery process by knowing what to look for, and how to deal with a relapse occurrence.

“Signs of relapse include secrecy, mood change, withdrawal from friends, failure to attend recovery meetings, and resumption of old behavior. In case of relapse, address the issue with concern instead of anger. Encourage your partner to seek help and modify their recovery plan,” Burse notes.

As a partner, you have a critical role to play in the recovery process of this person that you care about. Continue to care for and encourage them, while working not to neglect yourself in the process.

“A partner can encourage and reinforce healthy choices. Their role isn’t to ‘fix’ the problem. I most often see patients do well when their partner is patient, understanding, and holds them accountable (in a supportive way),” Dr. Stacy concludes.