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A romantic relationship can sometimes feel like a series of tests you have to keep passing for the relationship to continue moving forward smoothly. Whether it’s a big thing—like proving to a partner that you can meet their needs—or a little thing—like remembering to do a chore without them asking, being in a relationship means passing such “tests” to show your partner that you care.
But is it possible to take this idea too far? What if your partner thought the best way to find out if you’re The One was to constantly set up situations for you to pass (or fail) unknowingly?
One beleaguered man took to Reddit to share his desperation over the “boyfriend tests” his new girlfriend started administering after a few months together.
When Does a Relationship Test Go Too Far?
“It started with her telling me she wanted a weekend alone,” he said. “So I gave her space, while making myself available if she wanted company. I failed that test because I didn’t surprise-visit her.”
The Redditor, sensibly, told her that “communicating directly what she wants and needs is the only way I’ll understand what she wants and needs,” and commenters overwhelmingly agreed.
Things kicked up a notch when OP’s girlfriend let him think—for an entire day—that she was pregnant in order to see how he’d react. Unsurprisingly, readers were quick to recommend that he come up with an exit strategy ASAP.
While that kind of test is clearly beyond the pale, it got us thinking—what kind of tests are acceptable, if any? We all want to know our partner’s green and red flags, but is it ever appropriate to manipulate a situation to help you uncover them faster than if you just let the relationship play out naturally?
The editorial team here at Verywell Mind set up an impromptu roundtable to debate the subject, discuss what we think about the idea of relationship pop quizzes, and talk about the times that we’ve been tested—or given tests—in our relationships.
Andria
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with testing your partner on something you wouldn’t put too much stock into; something that wouldn’t ultimately compromise the relationship. For instance, I occasionally test my husband based on buzzy relationship theories I come across on TikTok, like the orange peel test or the “sidewalk rule.”
The ideas usually follow a notion that if they do xyz, they’re a keeper. Of course, basing the future of our relationship on his answers isn’t the end goal here. They’re silly and low-stakes exercises, but will almost always lead to an interesting conversation or, at the very least, a good laugh.
On the flip side, using ‘tests’ to manipulate your partner or to seriously determine whether or not they’re ‘the one’ might signal a deeper issue in the relationship. Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and shouldn’t be faulted for not choosing an option you would’ve hoped they would pick. Like the OP, I can personally attest to the value of communicating your wants and needs to your partner. Your relationship (and you!) will come out better for it.
Kate
The ways that I occasionally test my partner are often optimistic, but never related to something that will make or break the relationship. For instance, I’m usually the one who is quicker to notice when the bathroom needs cleaning. A couple of times I “tested” my boyfriend by resisting the urge to clean when it was clearly dirty. Or I’ll put a couple of toilet paper rolls on the floor to see if he will pick them up. Usually, he doesn’t notice!
Rather than making it a big thing, I simply say, “Hey babe, do you mind cleaning the bathroom this week?” And he gladly complies.
And honestly, that positive and helpful response when I ask for support on something is a much better test than any variety that involves withholding information.
So instead of trying to catch them off guard by randomly pointing out a bird to see if your partner cares about you (see: Tiktok Bird Test), try being direct by inviting them on a birdwatching walk with you—their response to open communication about your desire for quality time will be a lot more revealing.
Hannah
We all perform little tests with the people around us occasionally. Maybe you have a friend who always goes on and on about herself, so you wait to see how long it takes for her to ask you a question. Or your partner never washes the dirty dishes, so you leave some in the sink to see if they clean them without you having to say anything. These kinds of tests don’t hurt anybody (except maybe yourself, if you don’t get what you want!).
But setting up a BIG test—like pretending you’re pregnant with your boyfriend of four months when you most definitely are not, which is categorically ridiculous—is never good.
At best, you end up disappointed; at worst, you make it so your partner feels like they cannot trust you and the relationship disintegrates based on that lack of trust.
If you are wondering about your partner’s commitment, want to see if they care about the things you care about, or need a specific response from them around a certain topic or event, talk to them openly and honestly about it. Nobody is a mind reader—asking for what you want outright is the best way to get it.
Nick
The thought of being “tested” like this sent a chill up my spine. Is it OK to want your partner to think about you? And to want them to go above and beyond to prove that you’re important to them? Of course! But there are far better ways to encourage that kind of behavior in your partner.
One of the hardest things to deal with in any relationship is uncertainty. We want to know where we stand in the eyes of the people we love, and to be on the same page whenever possible. Tests like these introduce a level of uncertainty that would put any relationship under some serious strain.
I think it’s true that many men are not always the best at picking up on unspoken signals or other parts of a romantic relationship that can be complex and ambiguous. I, for example, have failed the toilet paper roll test, the dirty dishes in the sink test, and probably many others I’m not even aware of. The way to fix that is not to make things even more unsteady and confusing.
Whether you’re just starting out in a relationship or in it for the long haul with your life partner, keep checking in, keep communicating your needs, and make sure that their needs are being met, too. Communication in a relationship should be a two-way street, not a dark alleyway you send your partner down without telling them why.