7 Signs of Emotional Manipulation in Relationships

Emotional manipulation in relationships involves someone using fear, guilt, pressure, exploitation, and mental distortion to gain power. They use these manipulative tactics to control another person’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

If someone consistently makes you feel emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, or doubtful of your own needs, thoughts, and feelings, you may be dealing with emotional manipulation. Follow your gut instinct when it comes to recognizing what is occurring.

Manipulative behavior can include any or all of the following techniques.

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1. Gaslighting

A person who is gaslighting you may:

• Lie to you
• Blame you for things
• Minimize what you’re feeling

An example of manipulation in the form of gaslighting might include phrases like “You’re crazy” or “You’re too sensitive.”

Someone who is gaslighting you tries to make you feel that you aren’t worthy of expressing yourself and that your feelings and emotions are not real or valid. People gaslight to deny any wrongdoing on their part and assert control over what you think and do.

2. Passive-Aggressive Behavior

As opposed to using direct communication, a person who behaves passive-aggressively:

• Doesn’t express how they’re really feeling
• Uses avoidance tactics, such as actively dodging you or dodging the discussion of certain topics
• Responds with sarcasm to dismiss or undermine you

For example, a person who is behaving passive-aggressively might try to get attention by making overly dramatic gestures—like sighing or pouting. They might use immature emotional reactions to bait you into asking them what’s wrong without just coming out and saying it.

3. Lying and/or Blaming

Someone who is emotionally manipulative will most likely:

• Avoid taking responsibility for their actions
• Blatantly lie or exaggerate things to portray themselves in a more positive light.
• Shift the blame to you, making you doubt yourself and what actually happened (this is another example of gaslighting)

Though many of us tell “white lies,” or lies that we consider harmless, a person who is emotionally manipulative will likely tell lies to mislead you.

4. Love Bombing

Love bombing is another key sign that you’re being manipulated. It includes “bombing” you with big displays of affection at the onset of the relationship. This could look like:

• Saying “I love you” only weeks after dating or asking for commitment in the early stages
• Complimenting and worshiping you in one breath and then discarding and devaluing you in the next

A love bomber’s ultimate goal is control—to trap you in a cycle of abuse and codependency. It’s a common tactic often used in abusive relationships, where the love bomber will inflict abuse and then reiterate apologies (like gifts or sweet gestures) but never take accountability or change their behavior. Love bombing can lead to other manipulative behaviors like gaslighting and coercion.

5. Threats and Coercion

Someone who coerces you—using threats or force to get you to do something—is being emotionally manipulative. For instance, your partner might:

• Threaten to leave you because you won’t go along with exactly what they want you to do
• Threaten you by saying they’ll hurt themselves

They are using the threat of self-harm to get you to do what they want. They may or may not actually hurt themselves—but self-harm should always be taken seriously.

You can encourage your partner to seek help while still enforcing boundaries between yourself and them to protect your emotional and physical safety.

6. Silent Treatment

Another sign of emotional manipulation is if your partner withdraws from you. They might:

• Give you the silent treatment if you are doing something they don’t want you to do
• Withhold information, affection, or even sex to “punish” you, even for something insignificant
• Refuse to stop withdrawing or withholding until you do what they want or until you admit blame for something that isn’t your fault

7. Isolating From Friends and Family

A person who wants to control you might try to isolating you by:

• Cutting off your contact with friends and family, especially if any of your loved ones express a dislike or distrust of the emotionally manipulative person
• Gaining the support of your family and friends for their own benefit—for instance, if your partner knows you want to leave them, they might try to convince your family or friends to tell you to stay
• Alienating you from your support system, causing you to doubt your decision to move on from the relationship

How Emotional Manipulation Affects Relationships

Think you’ve been or are being manipulated in your relationship? Here are some common signs:

• A constant need to defend yourself
• A lack of safety in the relationship
• A lack of trust in your partner
• A serious sense of self-doubt
• Frequently apologizing, even when you believe you did nothing wrong
• Frequent feelings of confusion, dissatisfaction, hurt, resentment, anger, exhaustion, and frustration
• Overall discontentment with the relationship

Why People Stay In Manipulative Relationships

• A person may come to believe that they are to blame for their partner’s behavior.
• They may fear defending themselves, leaving their partner, or being alone.
• They may struggle with people-pleasing in response to trauma, and they may have been raised in households where their needs and feelings were dismissed or minimized.
• They may also lack the social support to help them leave a manipulative relationship.

Why People Are Emotionally Manipulative

In general, people manipulate others to get what they want, to protect their ego, and to avoid taking responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

• They may feel the need to punish, control, or dominate their partner.
• They may be seeking pity or attention, or have other selfish motives.
• They might also be trying to change or wear down a partner to get their own needs met.

They might have had to manipulate to get basic needs met or avoid harsh punishment. Or they may have been emotionally manipulated by their parents and learned how to interact with others through what they observed and experienced. 

People who have attachment issues and people who have high levels of anxiety may be more likely to use emotional manipulation. In some cases, manipulative behavior is linked with symptoms of a mental health condition such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

How to Tell If You’re Being Emotionally Manipulated

It’s not easy to identify manipulative behaviors in relationships or to admit you’re being manipulated by someone close to you. You might be susceptible to manipulation if you have

• Low self-esteem: “You might feel as though you’re not good enough for your partner and will take drastic measures to be ‘better’ or ‘right’ for them,” says Hannah Owens, LCSW, a mental health clinician.
• A history of abuse or mistreatment: If you’ve experienced abuse from parental figures, friends, or past partners, there’s a greater chance you’ll be vulnerable to manipulative behaviors, Owens notes.
• Lack of close interpersonal relationships: Owens adds that not having close, intimate relationships with friends or family can make one more susceptible to manipulation.

How to Respond to Emotional Manipulation

Manipulation and other forms of emotional abuse that you do not have to tolerate or accept from a romantic partner—or anyone else in your life. It is important to understand that manipulation is a form of emotional blackmail and learn how to respond.

Don’t Minimize Manipulation

It might take a while to recognize emotional manipulation, but when you do, don’t act as if it isn’t a big deal. Emotional manipulation needs to be addressed, whether you are the target or the perpetrator.

Consider having an honest and direct conversation with your partner to address the manipulation. If you are being manipulated, you might name specific examples of their behavior and how it affects you. Be specific in describing the forms of manipulation and your feelings in response to them.

For instance, you might say, “When you shut down in response to my saying something that you disagree with, I feel sad and discouraged. I’d like to feel connected with you; is this something you are open to talking about?” or “When you tell me that I said something I didn’t say, I feel confused and frustrated. Can we have an honest talk about what is happening?”

Seek Help

Getting to the root of emotional manipulation can be tricky—especially if one or both partners have a tendency to avoid honest discussions. You might attend relationship or marriage counseling if both parties are willing. Seeing a therapist on your own can also help you understand the emotional manipulation present in your relationship.

A mental health professional can also help you and your partner understand how to address manipulative behavior if it’s linked to a specific mental health condition, such as anxiety.

A therapist can provide suggestions for better communication. Therapy is an opportunity for you and your partner to better understand both of your vulnerabilities, which may help strengthen the relationship.

Set Boundaries

It’s important to set boundaries in any relationship, but especially so if someone is being emotionally manipulative. Try to have a discussion with your partner about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior. You need to set specific consequences for violating boundaries as well.

If they continue interrupting you and denying what you’re thinking and feeling, you can then:

• End the conversation
• Leave the room
• Return to the conversation when you are ready, at your own pace, in your own time

For instance, if your partner continues to deny there are any issues in your relationship and that you are “crazy” or “too sensitive,” you need to communicate that you can no longer be in a relationship with someone who chooses not to honor your feelings.

In some cases, manipulation and emotional abuse are precursors to physical abuse. If you feel you are in physical danger, make an exit plan. Let family and friends know that you plan to leave your partner, and set up a time to meet a trusted loved one. If possible, you may need to find another place to live if you live with your partner.

Show Yourself Compassion

If you are a survivor of emotional manipulation, you might have the tendency to blame yourself or feel guilty when you set and enforce boundaries with a manipulative person.

• Remember that your emotional and physical safety are important and worthy of protection and care. 
• Practice giving yourself compassion and remember that you deserve to feel safe and respected in a relationship.

You can’t control the other person’s behavior, but you can control whether or not you choose to be around them.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Manipulation

When you decide to approach your partner about the manipulation in your relationship, it is important to have a plan for how this conversation will go. When you confront someone who is manipulating you, there is the risk that they will continue to use the same tactics to try to manipulate you further.

They may respond to this conversation by acting defensive, trying to guilt you into just letting it go, or blaming you for the problems in your relationship. Using some of the following strategies may help this conversation go more smoothly:

• Be prepared: Before you talk to your partner, list some of the specific ways that you have been manipulated. Concrete examples make it more difficult for the other person to deny the problem.
• Use “I” statements: Avoid critical or blaming language that is sure to put your partner on the defensive. Instead, focus on framing your conversation in terms of “I” statements that discuss your feelings and how you’ve been affected by these problems.
• Listen to your partner: Give them the space to share how they are feeling, but stay objective and don’t let them minimize the problem. If your partner is willing to listen to your perspective and discuss ways to change your interactions, consider it an opportunity to mend the relationship and move forward in a healthier way.