Are They Avoidant, or Just Not That Into You? Therapists Explain How to Tell

Attachment styles can play a big role in the “getting to know each other” stage of dating. For instance, if you’re dealing with someone with an avoidant attachment style, it can feel like they put up walls when it comes to opening up. They might be showing all the signs that they like you and that the two of you are vibing romantically, but when it’s time to get real about feelings, they sort of back off.

“It’s not that they’re uninterested; it’s more like they’re just not comfortable with emotional closeness,” says Dr. Brooke Keels, PhD in Marriage and Family Therapy and Chief Clinical Officer at Lighthouse Recovery.

On the flip side, some people simply aren’t interested in deepening relationships. It’s not that they don’t want to open up; they just don’t see the value in sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings with someone else. So, how can you tell the difference?

What Does It Mean To Be Avoidant?

According to attachment theory, how we’re shown love early in life shapes our capacity for love and romance later on.  An avoidant attachment style often stems from early childhood experiences where an individual’s emotional needs were not consistently met. As a result, they learned to rely on themselves and minimize emotional dependence on others.

“People with an avoidant attachment style have developed patterns of behavior that help them manage their fears around intimacy and dependency,” says Marcus Smith, a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and Executive Director at Alpas Wellness.

Avoidants often tend to keep emotional distance from others. Physical or emotional intimacy can make an avoidant uneasy, and they may downplay the importance of relationships, making people close to them feel dismissed.

They may find it difficult to open up and share their feelings, even with those closest to them. They prefer to be self-reliant and fiercely guard their independence, pushing others away rather than risk losing it. This self-reliance can often be misinterpreted as a lack of interest in a romantic partner.

How Avoidance Shows Up In Relationships

Avoidants struggle with communication. They take too long to reply to messages and avoid deep conversations. They may prefer solo activities to date nights and, early on, could shy away from defining the relationship or committing to a future together.

If you get into a fight with an avoidant, it’s not unusual for them to withdraw and shut down emotionally. For them, it’s a defense mechanism to save themselves from getting hurt.

For instance, an avoidant individual might seem distant and uninterested because they don’t frequently initiate contact or express their feelings openly. However, this behavior is not about disinterest but rather a coping mechanism to avoid feeling vulnerable.

“They might care deeply but struggle to show it in ways that are easily recognizable,” Smith adds.

How Consistency Might Signal Lack of Interest

It’s easy to confuse avoidant behavior with disinterest, but there are slight differences. One metric for gauging whether they’re interested in you is how consistent they are with their attention:

• Avoidants: Can seem disinterested in you sometimes, but there’s an inconsistency in their behavior. They might ghost you for some time, but then they return and show interest before repeating the cycle. 
• Someone who isn’t interested: Will likely show consistent signs of disinterest without the underlying fear of dependency. The way they interact with you is minimal and unenthusiastic. They may show little effort to spend time with you, fail to respond to messages promptly, or avoid making future plans. Their actions, or lack thereof, communicate a straightforward lack of desire to pursue the relationship further, says Smith.

Elizabeth, 25, who recently found after years of therapy that an avoidant attachment style is responsible for many of her failed relationships, shares some insight on how to differentiate avoidant behavior from disinterest:

“People think avoidants prefer not to spend time with their significant others; however, I enjoy hanging out with my loved ones in group settings rather than spending one-on-one time with each person. It just takes the pressure off. So, I often invite romantic partners to picnics and barbeques over movie or dinner dates. I think that is more of a sign of disinterest if I never invited them when I was out with friends or didn’t make time for them at all.”

How Avoidants Communicate In Relationships

Avoidants try to communicate in ways that maintain their emotional distance without losing their significant other. They might be slow to respond to texts or calls; when they do, their replies can be brief and to the point, but they’ll also eventually reply. While they avoid discussing their feelings or engaging in deep, meaningful conversations, they might show love in other ways, such as through acts of service.

“They might use humor or sarcasm to deflect serious conversations, avoid eye contact during intimate discussions, or change the subject when feelings are brought up. This can confuse their partners, who might interpret these behaviors as disinterest or rejection,” says Smith.

For example, during a discussion about future plans, an avoidant partner might respond with vague answers or divert the conversation to a less personal topic. This isn’t because they don’t care about the future with you, but because discussing it makes them uncomfortable and highlights their fear of dependency.

Dr. Keels says this can make it difficult for their partners to fully understand them and their needs. At some point, this can become a roadblock in the relationship if left unaddressed—it can cause frustration, misunderstandings, and even a lack of trust.

When Do Communication Patterns Signal Lack of Interest?

People who aren’t interested in you also seem avoidant when communicating. The main difference is that the motivation behind this is disinterest.

With avoidants, you’ll experience moments of connection, although they might sometimes pull back when things get too intimate.

On the other hand, someone uninterested will rarely do more than the bare minimum when communicating with you. They may not communicate as deeply or frequently, making it harder for their partner to feel emotionally connected. They might respond out of politeness or obligation, but there’ll be no genuine interest or effort.

What Role Does Emotional Availability Play?

Another key way to decide whether someone is avoidant or just not that into you is to tune in to how emotionally available they are. Many people continue dating even when they aren’t ready to be in a relationship, which often leaves a trail of broken hearts of the people they’ve strung along or didn’t emotionally invest in.

An avoidant person can have every intention of showcasing their emotional availability; they might really want a relationship, but they often hit a wall when it comes to emotional intimacy. It’s not because they don’t love you or want you; it’s because they are afraid of being vulnerable. And that’s not the same as someone being emotionally unavailable when they aren’t into you.

Unlike avoidant individuals who fear intimacy, emotionally unavailable people might not see the value in investing emotionally in a relationship.

If your partner’s emotional unavailability is situational, however, it might help to talk about it and get to the root of the issue. If it’s rooted in an avoidant attachment style, you may need to be more patient and work with a therapist to find the best communication styles for you and your partner.

Tips for Effective Communication With an Avoidant Partner

If you have an avoidant partner, it’s important to be empathetic and patient. Here are some tips to help improve your communication:

• Give them space: Respect their need for it, and try not to overwhelm them by constantly reaching out. Give them time to process and return to the conversation when ready.
• Be direct and clear: Avoidants respond best to direct, clear communication. Communicate your needs and feelings plainly without beating around the bush.
• Stay calm during conflicts: When you disagree, remain calm and composed. Avoidants tend to shut down when conversations become heated.
• Encourage small steps of intimacy: Encourage your partner to open up gradually. Start with less personal topics and slowly build up to more intimate conversations as they become more comfortable.
• Validate their feelings: Acknowledge their feelings without judgment. Validation can help them feel understood and safe, helping them draw closer to you.
• Set boundaries: It’s essential to ensure that your emotional needs are still being met while accommodating their attachment style.

Communicating with an avoidant partner is undoubtedly challenging. Consider getting help from a relationship therapist. They are more equipped to provide strategies and tools to improve communication between you and your partner.

When Is It Time To Walk Away?

No matter how eager you are to make a new or established relationship work, love may not be enough if you aren’t getting your needs met.

According to Dr. Keels, if you decide to enter or continue a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style or lack of interest, you have to be fully aware of what you’re getting into. Be honest with yourself about your expectations–are you willing to wait for them to open up, or are you looking for someone who can immediately meet your emotional needs?

While it may sound a bit harsh, you need to be realistic about what you can handle and whether the relationship is genuinely fulfilling for both parties. It sucks to feel unsure of a person’s feelings for you, whether they are uninterested or avoidant. However, recognizing the difference helps you discern which relationships you should invest your time and emotions in and which to move on from.