How to Recognize a Covert Narcissist

Recognizing a covert narcissist isn’t always easy because these behaviors can sometimes be subtle. Unlike overt narcissists, covert narcissists tend to hide their inflated sense of importance by behaving in passive-aggressive ways, quietly manipulating, and always playing the victim. They tend to dismiss other people’s needs, exaggerate their own struggles or talents, and use tactics like blame, shame, and emotional withdrawal to control the people in their lives.

What Is a Covert Narcissist?

A covert narcissist is someone who craves admiration and importance, lacking empathy toward others, but may act in a different way than an overt narcissist. They may exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) but often hide the more obvious signs of the condition. While it can be more difficult to recognize, covert narcissism can be just as destructive as more overt narcissistic behaviors.

In psychology, behavior can be described as overt or covert

• Overt behaviors are those that can be easily observed by others, such as those of the traditional narcissist described earlier.
• Covert behaviors, however, are more subtle and less obvious to others.

When considering the behavior of narcissists, it might be hard to imagine how someone could be a narcissist and be inhibited in their approach and behavior. A covert narcissist may be outwardly self-effacing or withdrawn in their approach, but the end goals are the same.

Key Signs of a Covert Narcissist

How can you tell if someone is a narcissist? Although there are clinical criteria that need to be met for someone to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, there are some general traits and patterns to look for in everyday interactions if you suspect someone might be a covert narcissist.

Passive Self-Importance

Where the more overt, extroverted narcissist will be obvious in their elevated sense of self and their arrogance when interacting with others, the covert narcissist may be less obvious.

The covert narcissist certainly craves importance, or narcissistic supply, and thirsts for admiration, but it can look different to those around them. They might give backhanded compliments or purposefully minimize their accomplishments or talents so that people will offer reassurance about how talented they are.

The overt narcissist will demand admiration and attention, while the covert narcissist will use softer tactics to meet those same goals. The covert narcissist will be much more likely to constantly seek reassurance about their talents, skills, and accomplishments, looking for others to feed that same need for self-importance.

Blaming and Shaming

Shaming is a tactic that narcissists may use to secure their sense of an elevated position in relation to others. The overt (extroverted) narcissist might be more obvious in their approach to gaining leverage, such as explicitly putting you down, being rude, criticizing you, and being sarcastic.

The introverted, covert narcissist may have a more gentle approach to explain why something is your fault, and they are not to blame. They might even pretend to be a victim of your behavior or engage in emotional abuse to put themselves in a position to receive reassurance and praise from you. Whether overt or covert, the goal is to make the other person feel small.

Creating Confusion

Although they are not always sneaky, some covert narcissists can take joy in creating confusion. They may not engage in blaming or shaming, but instead, cause people to question their perceptions and second-guess themselves.

This is another way to create leverage between them and another person. A covert narcissist needs to use tactics like this to elevate themselves and maintain power in the interaction. If they can get you to question your perceptions, they have the opportunity to manipulate and exploit you more.

Procrastination and Disregard

Because their need for self-importance reigns supreme, covert narcissists will do whatever they need to do in order to keep the focus on themselves. So, where an extroverted narcissist will blatantly push you aside or manipulate you to accomplish their goal, the covert narcissist is a professional at not acknowledging you at all.

It is not a coincidence that narcissists, in general, tend to gravitate toward interacting with caring and compassionate people. The covert narcissist recognizes those opportunities for manipulation as well.

Rather than explicitly telling you that you’re not important, they might stand you up on a date, wait until the last minute to respond to texts or emails, always show up late, or never make confirmed plans at all. There is no regard for your time or interests, leaving you feeling small, unimportant, and irrelevant.

Giving With a Goal

In general, narcissists are not givers. They find it difficult to put energy into anything that doesn’t serve them in some way. A covert narcissist might present themselves in a way that looks like they are giving, but their giving behavior always has the intent of getting something in return.

A simple, everyday example could be something like putting a tip in the jar at your local coffee shop. A covert narcissist would be much more likely to put their tip in the jar when they know the barista is looking, to facilitate some kind of interaction that allows them to be praised for giving.

Emotional Neglect

Covert narcissists lack the ability to nurture emotional bonds. They may appear kinder and less obnoxious than their extroverted counterpart, but they are not emotionally accessible or responsive either.

• They rarely (or never) compliment others.
• They show little regard for other people’s talents or abilities.
• They make others do the heavy emotional lifting in a relationship.
• Emotional accessibility is often performative.
• They use emotions to exploit or eventually leave the other person feeling small through disregard, blaming, or shaming.
• They lack empathy and cannot be emotionally responsive to their partner in a healthy way.

Are You or Someone You Know a Narcissist? Take the Test

This free narcissistic personality test may be helpful in assessing whether or not you or someone you know displays signs of narcissism.

This quiz was reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD

Everyday Behaviors to Watch For

To spot the signs of a covert narcissist, it can be helpful to look at how narcissistic traits may emerge in different settings.

In the workplace, covert narcissism may look like:

• Treating colleagues with superiority and condescension
• Creating a public image that is completely different than private behaviors
• Making unreasonable demands on co-workers and subordinates
• Belittling and blaming others for mistakes
• Gossiping about others in the workplace
• Expressing rage and then denying their anger

Subtle Signs

In addition to looking for the red flags of a narcissist, it is also important to be able to recognize the more subtle behaviors of a covert narcissist. Being aware of these traits can empower you, helping you recognize and better navigate potentially unhealthy relationships and interactions.

What Do Covert Narcissists Do in Relationships?

In other relationships, such as those with partners, parents, siblings, or other family members, covert narcissists might do any of the following:

• Display a lack of empathy for the feelings, thoughts, and needs of others
• Use guilt trips and shame to control others
• Expect others to care for them or solve their problems
• Gaslighting behaviors, such as being critical but making it sound like it is coming from a place of concern
• Take advantage of other people’s vulnerabilities
• Dismiss or deny other people’s feelings, emotions, or experiences
• Respond to others with passive-aggressive behaviors

Why Covert Narcissism Develops

The exact causes of covert narcissism are not entirely understood, but it is likely that a number of factors contribute. Experts suggest that narcissistic personality disorder is linked to factors including:

• Genetics
• Childhood abuse and trauma
• Upbringing and relationships with caregivers
• Personality and temperament

People with narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to have grown up with parents who were highly focused on status and achievements. Because they were often made to feel superior to other children, the belief that they are special and more valuable than others may persist into adulthood.

Triggers of Narcissistic Behavior

It is not clear, however, why narcissistic behavior is sometimes displayed in covert rather than overt ways. Some situations that might trigger a covert narcissist include:

• Being ignored
• Feeling disrespected
• Threats to their ego
• Feelings of shame
• Being around high-status people
• Feeling less attractive or less educated than others
• Having less of something than others
• Not getting the attention they think they deserve
• Jealousy
• Lack of control

Overt vs. Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are only different from overt (more obvious) narcissists in that they tend to be more introverted. The overt narcissist is easily identified because they tend to be loud, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of others, and always thirsty for compliments.

Their behaviors can be easily observed by others and tend to show up as “big” in a room. Overt narcissists demonstrate more extroverted behaviors in their interactions with others.

Shared Behaviors

Researcher and author Craig Malkin, PhD, suggests that the term “covert” can be misleading. In his work, he states that the term covert is often used to suggest that the covert narcissist is sneaky or that their striving for importance is not as significant as that of an overt (more extroverted) narcissist. In fact, he reports, the traits of the overt narcissist and the covert narcissist are the same.

Self-Awareness

So do covert narcissists know what they are doing? While they may be aware on some level that their behaviors have a negative impact on other people, narcissists also tend to lack self-awareness and insight. Because they often believe they deserve the attention and accolades they seek, they may see nothing wrong with their behavior as long as it achieves the intended results.

Both overt and covert narcissists need to meet the same clinical criteria to be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, whether they are extroverted or introverted. Both have deficits in their capacity to regulate their self-esteem.

Relationships

Covert narcissists can be difficult to recognize at the outset of a relationship. Many people have fallen victim to the manipulative behaviors of a covert narcissist without realizing what has happened until they are already in emotional pain.

In relationships, covert narcissists cause hurt due to a sense of a lack of partnership or reciprocity in the relationship.

How to Deal With a Covert Narcissist

You may currently be in a personal relationship with a covert narcissist, whether it be a family member, co-worker, or significant other. Although you cannot control what a narcissist does, you can control how you behave and interact with them. There are steps that you can take to protect yourself from covert narcissistic abuse.

Avoid Taking It Personally

When dealing with a narcissist, whether covert or overt, their manipulative behavior can feel very personal. The lack of regard, sense of entitlement, patterns of manipulation, and deceptive behaviors can feel very personal when on the receiving end.

No matter how painful the behaviors might feel in the moment, it’s important to remember that they have nothing to do with you.

It is OK to look at the situation and the interactions in regard to how you contribute to them. However, it is very important when dealing with a narcissist that you let them “own” their part.

Narcissists want you to take it personally because that is how they maintain leverage. Remember, a narcissist feels small, so they have to make themselves “big” somehow.

Set Boundaries

Narcissists do not have healthy boundaries. Because covert narcissists lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, and exploit others, boundaries are something that gets in the way of their goals. The more you can practice setting boundaries with a narcissist, the more consistently you are conveying to them that their tactics are not working.

Setting boundaries can be very difficult, particularly with a narcissist.

• Remember that boundaries are just a way for you to let someone else know your values.
• Consider what is important to you and your values.
• Work to create boundaries that support them.

Understanding why you are setting particular boundaries can help you feel more confident in establishing them and keep you on track if someone attempts to violate or disregard them.

Advocate for Yourself

When interacting with a covert narcissist, it can be easy to lose your voice. Because the patterns of interaction are so manipulative, it may take time for you to realize that you’re not advocating for yourself.

Take time to tune back in with yourself, who you are, and what you are about. Take stock of your values, your goals, and your talents. Strengthening your relationship with yourself is key to being able to speak up during interactions with a narcissist.

Create a Healthy Distance

Being in a relationship with a covert narcissist can feel frustrating and overwhelming. There are times when it can be difficult to create distance between you and that person, such as with a family member or co-worker.

If you are being hurt by someone’s narcissism, it might be necessary to:

• Limit personal interactions
• Ask to be moved to a different location in your office
• Take breaks at a different time
• Cut off contact

The goal of creating distance is not to hurt the other person; the goal is to protect yourself and create space for you to heal.

When to Seek Help

If someone you know shows signs of covert narcissism that are creating distress or affecting areas of your life, encourage them to talk to their healthcare provider. A doctor or therapist can recommend treatments to address these symptoms and improve their ability to cope.

There are also resources available for people who are in a relationship with a covert or overt narcissist. Consider visiting the Narcissist Abuse Support organization to find information and resources.